So, the milestone birthday has been and gone. All I felt at the time was excited anticipation and a cognisance of being very blessed to have my loved ones around me.
A few years on, and around my birthday this time, I have had the worst case of blues. Not being a depressive personality, this has taken me quite by surprise. It’s a feeling of listlessness, lethargy, lassitude; feeling devalued, friendless and lost. It is quite difficult to analyse one’s own state of mind. There is no distance there, no sense of perspective.
Is it age related? Perhaps. Post forty, one starts to feel that life is heading downhill. Most of what I hoped to achieve, most of what life could offer, is maybe behind me now? Or maybe, it’s just all of life’s recent events that have snowballed inside of me, and Wham! when I am least expecting it, sledgehammered me into this state of ennui. I have been tearful and morose, cheerless and apathetic. Not much fun at all. Particularly when my children have excitedly baked me a cake, my husband has spoilt me rotten…and my guilt at not cartwheeling happily through the day has only compounded my misery.
So, here’s what I have decided upon. Life is for the living. Forty two or Eighty four, it is what I make of it. I refuse, from this moment on, to be unhappy or self absorbed or let small, inconsequential matters take over what is essentially, a very fortunate life. My mantra hereon is Carpe Diem! Seize the day!